John of the Cross, imprisoned for nine months in 1577, wrote this:
To reach satisfaction in all,
desire its possession in nothing.
To come to the knowledge of all, desire the knowledge of nothing.
To come to possess all, desire the possession of nothing.
To arrive at being all, desire to be nothing.
To come to the pleasure you have not,
you must go by a way in which you enjoy not.
To come to the knowledge you have not,
you must go by a way in which you know not.
To come to the possession you have not,
you must go by a way in which you possess not.
To come to be what you are not,
you must go by a way in which you are not.
When you turn toward something,
you cease to cast yourself upon the all.
For to go from the all to the all,
you must leave yourself in all.
And when you come to the possession of all,
you must possess it without wanting anything.
In this nakedness the spirit finds its rest,
for when it covets nothing,
nothing raises it up,
and nothing weighs it down,
because it is in the center of its humility.
___ St. John of the Cross (1542-1591)
I’m unsure of many things.
Life feels tenuous. I say aloud I’m not sure I look forward to an afterlife. In fact, I prefer there not be an afterlife. No God, no angels, relatives, friends, familiarities known during this spate of existence.
Just that. No burning hell, no soothing heaven. Neither.
And why do I feel this way? I’m not sure. Perhaps it's the hermit speaking -- to be left alone -- or, in this case, to enter the alone without any interior or exterior reference.
The terrain and aesthetic of anesthesia without the bother of return.
And if there is an afterlife, perhaps one can apply for a passport exempting entrance into something while remaining outside the gates in nothing.
And if there is a God, and God is merciful, I’ll be ignored and let not be.
Why go on?
Let the psychic and material protons, electrons, neutrons, atoms and improbable units of the cosmos go their separate ways back into the universe without cohesion, shape, or identity.
I don’t know about those medieval mystics or pre-socratic philosophers and where they were pointing -- but I feel some of what they felt.
I can, I think, let it go.
When I die, you’ll never know.
Nor, most likely, will I.
Possessing not.